With Premature Ejaculation - often referred to as 'PE' - ejaculation occurs before the male feels he is 'ready'. This has nothing to do with the length of time for which intercourse has been taking place and is not connected with how long his penis has been inside his partner. It is simply about whether he is ready to ejaculate or not; if he is not, then it will cause as much sexual frustration as does Erectile Failure.
It is always a source of distress, the more so because his partner will frequently not understand the nature of the difficulty and will assume that it is based on selfishness, a lack of consideration, or that he simply cannot be bothered to wait for her. It is distressing for his partner, too, especially on the occasions where her physical sensations have just started to strengthen - which sometimes is, paradoxically, the very thing that has triggered the PE 'episode'.
Most males with this problem experience it every time they attempt intercourse, though for some it may be worse when they are suffering stress or have imbibed large amounts of alcohol or recreational drugs. Usually, it does not occur during masturbation; then the male can sustain activity for long enough to achieve a totally satisfying ejaculatory experience, even when he is vividly imagining the most erotic of events.
It is important to recognise that ejaculation is only premature if the male feels that it is; the fact that his partner may claim it to be so is completely irrelevant in this context. This statement might seem somewhat sexually-biased and completely disregarding of female needs but it is not. The following statements are of enormous importance:
- If he feels it is premature, he is right - the ejaculation will feel weak and have no 'guts' to it. It can even be completely devoid of erotic sensation, a fact which many women find difficult to believe.
- If he feels it is not premature, he is right again. The fact that he ejaculates very quickly is just that - he ejaculates very quickly. The sensation is complete and satisfactory. This was a vital ability for our early ancestors and is therefore an inherited instinctual behaviour, though one that can be controlled, with help.
- In the case of (1) (above) it might be necessary to discover the cause of the PE in order to resolve the issue and gain confidence and belief in the ability to maintain intercourse until he is ready to ejaculate.
- Where (2) (above) is the case, any therapy or adjustment should be slanted towards the notion that delaying the pleasure heightens the sensation so that when his partner is ready for him to 'come' the resultant ejaculation will be explosively pleasurable.
Although there are topical creams that can be used to desensitise that end of the penis, they are not to be recommended when no condom is being used - they remove a lot of the sensual pleasure from intercourse and also tend to also desensitise the partner. There are condoms available with a cream or lotion of this sort inside them; once again, though, they tend to make the whole experience a lot less pleasurable.
There are are two 'physical retraining' techniques worth considering:
- The Masters & Johnson method
- The 'stop-start' technique
The Masters & Johnson method
This was developed by sex researchers Drs. W.H. Masters & V.E. Johnson in the 1960s and can make huge improvements for most males, provided that they partner is prepared to cooperate - not all are. Essentially, it's a special finger-grip that removes the desire to climax, and over a period of weeks, if used regularly, it can train the man to last much longer.
- The female places her hand so that her thumb is on the top of the male's erect penis with her middle and index fingers underneath.
- Her thumb is just behind the ridge of the glans (the 'helmet'), while the middle finger is just below the ridge.
- When the man feels that he's approaching ejaculation, he tells the female.
- She then squeezes his penis firmly between her thumb and the other two fingers.
This would normally be conducted during masturbation, though it is entirely possible to use it during intercourse; then, the male would withdraw some moments before he was ready to come and she - or he - can perform the 'squeeze' as shown above.
The 'stop-start' technique
This method can be used for the male to retrain himself in private and follows easy steps:
- He must ensure that he will be private - this is extremely important, since it is imperative that there is no anxiety present whilst practicing this technique
- He masturbates with dry hands, using any technique that he prefers
- At the point of ejaculation, he stops, and allows the urge to ejaculate to completely fade
- Do this three times, and on the fourth time, allow ejaculation to occur
- When sustaining for longer has become easier, repeat the technique using a lubricant such as KY Jelly or baby oil - this feels more like the inside of a vagina and more practice will be needed to sustain stimulation without coming too soon
It is entirely possible to combine both methods, using the 'squeeze' at step 3 above. It is also worthwhile studying the Male Masturbation Guide elsewhere on this site.